


What If

by FanWriter



Category: Blue Bloods (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-23 23:00:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19160758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FanWriter/pseuds/FanWriter
Summary: What if Eddie wasn't able to get away from Jake Singer that night? What if ...





	What If

**Author's Note:**

> I don't like how I've done the argument (it feels like I made it too much about Jamie and is more of an emotion dump), but I'm posting it anyway because I have a history of whenever I write a long story (long for me at least) I get almost done in writing it out and then my interest in fandoms switches and then it sits on my computer forever. Like the Sherlock one that's still on my computer, and I've had it almost done since a week after the season 4 finale. So I'm posting and putting it out of my mind or I'll just keep overthinking it and it'll never get posted. So once you reach that part just skip it. (Update note: this has been on my computer 'mostly finished' for at least six months.) (Update note: Make that a year. Also, in the quick edit I did, I didn't even look over the argument because I know how bad it is, so when you get to that point just skip it. I did go back and add a scene more toward the end but that's about the only major edit I did.)
> 
> Also, the story itself is rated T but the bonus is probably an M; it's nothing explicit but does still classify as a 'romance scene'. Be warned, I'm not good at writing romance, and it was my first time writing something like that, with no experience to base if off of. So yeah, it's probably horrible, but give the rest of the story a chance.

_**Chapter 1:** _

Jamie reached over to turn up the volume dial on radio in his car, hoping the music would get into his head and dispel the queasiness in his stomach. He shook himself, not really understanding the feeling of unease he had; sure, he never been to Eddie's apartment before, but they were becoming fast friends, it shouldn't be a big deal. It wasn't like he was going to be staying anyway. He taken the collar before the end of their shift so that she could go get ready for her date, but as he was leaving, Renzulli had reminded him that her signature was required on some other forms from earlier in the week. He figured he could just have her come to the door, sign the papers, and let her continue her night uninterrupted, be that with a date or no.

Turning the steering wheel to the right, he started down her street and flipped his blinker when he saw a vehicle pulling out from near the entrance of the building - a rarity that he took advantage of since he wouldn't be there long. Killing the engine, he grabbed the files and a pen. Noticing someone in the entryway, he hurried to the door, thankful that he wouldn't have to wait for Eddie to answer the intercom. Taking the elevator instead of the stairs - because, honestly, after having two separate chases today, he didn't really feel into the climbing mood - he pressed the button for the 13th floor and waited. Checking the hastily written down address he'd gotten from her file, he consulted the numbers on the wall and turned left. His bad feeling reared it's ugly head, causing him to stop short when he saw a door up ahead ajar. Door #387. Eddie's door.

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''Then what?''

Jamie took a deep breath and continued. ''I pulled out my weapon and cleared the apartment. When I got to the bedroom, he - Sarge,'' he broke off.

Renzulli took a large hand and clapped the back of his old boot's neck, squeezing slightly to let him know he was there. ''Keep going, Reagan.''

''Eddie was a bloody mess on the bed, her clothes had been ripped off. Singer was pulling up his pants, giving her some parting words: 'Thanks for the good time','' Jamie scoffed, shaking his head. ''I pushed him against the wall and pulled out my off-duty cuffs. Called it in, waited for backup.''

Renzulli nodded. ''Ok. That's good; you did everything right. I'm proud of you for keeping you cool, if it'd been me I might've blown my top. You know how my temper can get the best of me sometimes.'' He stared at the blank look on Jamie's face and squeezed again. ''What's on your mind, kid.''

''If I was five minutes later, he would've been gone. Me taking the elevator, the woman opening the door, the parking space. I was right on time to get him before he left.''

''Yeah,'' Renzulli nodded.

''So why couldn't I have been I have been five minutes early?'' he asked, refusing to let the burning water in his eyes fall. ''Ten minutes early. Twenty, thirty -''

''Hey. Now you stop this - this won't do any good. You're not at fault for this. This is all on him, not you, you hear me? Reagan?''

''Yeah.''

Renzulli didn't believe him. He'd known Jamie for a while now; knew when he was being shut out. Knew when the kid needed time to think. He also knew that Jamie would come to the same conclusion he had, given that time. He figured he would give him some of that time now, because he wouldn't be getting it later. Renzulli had been called to the hospital while he was at home, which meant his Marie knew what was going on as well. She'd always had a soft spot for Jamie and the only reason she didn't come to the hospital with him was because ''the poor boy will need something to eat for dinner and over my dead body is he eating hospital food while I'm alive to do something about it''. His wife wasn't called Mrs. Sarge for nothing. He wondered which egg dish she would be making - and wondered not for the first time how lucky he was to have been partnered to a guy who could actually stand to eat them on a constant basis. ''Look, we won't be able to see Eddie for a bit longer. Marie's on her way, why don't we wait for her in the cafeteria and I'll get started on the paperwork. The nurses will come and talk to us when they got her ready.''

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''Ready to bust this joint,'' Jamie asks on a grin two days later, sliding into the drivers seat, his smile fading when he didn't see Eddie's normal bouncy trouncy flouncy pouncy self. He understood, of course, but it just made him even angrier at Singer; hadn't he taken enough from from Eddie, did he have to take her smile, too? He loved her smile and the way it just seemed to radiate happiness to everyone around. He vowed to do everything he could to help see her through this. ''Lunch. My treat,'' he said pulling into traffic. ''Where are we going?''

''I'm not really hungry,'' she mumbled.

''Yeah, that's not gonna fly; you see, I promised Mrs. Sarge that I'd make sure you ate something and if she finds out that I didn't, she'll revoke my cookie rights, and I just love those cookies she makes with the little pecans on top - mmm. So where to?''

''Whatever.''

He glanced over at her. ''You gotta eat something, Janko,'' he said, dropping the silliness for the time being. Sighing when no response came, he tried again. ''Look, what about that deli a couple of blocks up? Get a sandwich - upgrade to milkshakes? We don't have to go in, we can just eat in the car,'' he said, noticing the way she was picking at some of her bandages.

''It doesn't matter.''

He pulled to the curb and turned off the engine, handing her the keys. ''There's not a line right now; I'll be back in five. If a dog comes by and tries to pee on my tires, do me a favor and hit the panic button, ok?'' He knew she knew what he was really saying: I can see the car from the shop window, I won't be long, press the panic button if you need me. He felt a slight pang when she took them without a fuss; without saying she could take care of herself. Later, he thought, getting out of the car and locking the door behind him. He could help her get her confidence back later, right now she needed food - whether she wanted it or not.

Exiting the deli, he balanced the sandwich bag and drink carton in one hand, making sure to knock on the hood of the car so she wouldn't be startled. He waited until he heard the click of the locks and got in - registering them lock back as soon as he shut the door. He doled out the food between them and then began making their usual adjustments: trading her tomatoes with his pickles, giving her a couple of meat slices in return for more lettuce, exchanging the cherry from her milkshake with the whipped topping from his, and halfing the two bags of chips so they both got an even amount of the two flavors.

Finishing his sandwich faster than he'd anticipated, he wiped his fingers on a napkin and asked Eddie for the keys - she wasn't even a quarter of the way done with hers. ''You do know I'll just keep driving around until you eat it all, right?'' he teased.

She swallowed hard and picked at her sandwich. ''Umm, do you think - can I just ... can I sleep on your couch until I can find a new place?'' she asked quietly, her voice thick with emotion.

''Of course,'' he replied automatically. ''Well, not the couch - I have a second bedroom in case there's any 'family drama', like 'parents are so unfair and they just don't understand at all','' he mimicked, pitching his voice high to match his niece's, then going slightly lower to his nephews' level, and said, '' 'Mom and Dad are making googly faces at each other, can we come stay with you?' '' He switched back to his normal voice. ''The room's yours.''

'Thanks,'' she mumbled.

He looked over at her, considering. ''What if we just get all the hard stuff over with now? We go to your apartment - together,'' he quickly assured when it looked like she was going to interrupt. ''We'll pack up a quick over-night bag and then anything you want to keep, we'll put it in a certain place and I can come back later by myself and pack it up. The manager of my building had the basement sectioned and turned it into a mini storage unit for the tenants; we can house it there until whenever. What do you say?''

After a minute, she gave a small nod and went back to poking at her sandwich. Realizing that was all he was going to get, he cranked up and pulled out, taking the long way to Eddie's apartment to give her time to finish eating.

~~~~~

It was almost an hour later when they finally pulled into a space near her building. He walked around the car and opened the door for her, clenching his fist on the roof of the car at her obvious hesitation. _No one should be this afraid to go home,_ he thought. He bent down and wrapped an arm around her shoulders and helped her out, keeping her tucked close to his side. He whispered words of comfort to her the whole way up in an effort to keep her reassured, but when they did reach her door and he pulled out her keys that Tony had thought to grab before the detectives finished with the place she was shaking like a leaf.

He looked around. In the light of day, and without the urgency to focus and just find Eddie, the place looked worse than he remembered. The glass entry table was shattered with drops of blood on the glass and floor, and that was just the beginning of the path of destruction that lead to the bedroom, which he could see from where they were standing. He couldn't see the sheets on the bed, blindly remembering they would have been taken as evidence.

_''Oh, and I am happy to note that as of last night, I have completely finished decorating my new place,'' Eddie gushed as she slid into the passenger seat, ready for another tour on the beat. ''The delivery man dropped it off last night. You know, the bed sheet set I was telling you about? Pale purple background with white lilac flowers on it. I didn't think I'd find one I really like and was about to settle on this white and pink lattice-patterned type thing, but when I saw this one ... it's just perfect,'' she sighed._

Jamie shook his head, ridding himself of the conversation they'd had just last week, and looked down at Eddie. Silent tears were rolling down her cheeks, blurring her vision as her eyes darted from place to place. He clutched her closer to him. ''Let's start in the kitchen,'' he said, guiding her in the direction, careful not to let go.

It didn't take very long; an hour at most and very few boxes would be needed. The only things she wanted to keep were her clothes, the toiletries in the bathroom, her books, a small photo album and jewelry case she had, and the food in the refrigerator and cabinets. It would all fit in his car in one trip. He took a final glance around to make sure they'd went over everything and shut the door behind them. He got Eddie outside as quickly as he could and watched painfully as she took in deep gasping breathfulls of fresh air. He turned on the heat in the car and kept the windows rolled down for her all the way to his place, despite the chilliness of the evening air.

~~~~~

Arriving at his own apartment in record time - and firmly telling himself that it's not considered running a red light if it's yellow - the elevator dinged for the 12th floor to reveal Renzulli and his wife, laden down with food dishes, standing outside his door.

''We would've waited inside,'' he said, dangling his key ring from his fingers, ''but I was afraid we might get shot.''

''Tony,'' his wife hissed at him scoldingly, elbowing him in his ribs; or trying to, her short stature only managing to catch him just beneath them in his belly. ''Eddie, oh my sweet little pumpkin, how are you?'' Marie shifted her tinfoiled plates to one arm while giving Eddie a firm hug with the other.

''How come she gets to be the sweet little pumpkin and I have to be the noodle?'' Jamie asked teasingly.

''Oh, you,'' Marie said, swatting at him. ''Come with me, dear, and we'll get you all settled with a nice hot bowl of spaghetti - homemade, not that stuff they try to pass off in the stores, no no no, and a nice big slice of pie that I - Tony, the door.'' She looked at her husband pointedly.

''Of course, my apologies for not opening the door fast enough for her royal - for my beautiful wife,'' he quickly corrected, sliding the key in the lock and pushing the door in for them.

''Mm-hmm,'' said Marie as she walked past him with Eddie in tow.

Renzulli waited until both women were inside and out of ear reach. ''Phew, that was close. So tell me the truth: how is she - and what took you so long? The Mrs. and I thought you'd be here by now.''

''How'd you know she'd be coming to stay with me?'' he questioned back. Upon receiving the knowing looked his old TO gave him, Jamie sighed. ''I thought it might be a good idea to just get everything over and done with. The hard stuff, I mean. Going back to her place and packing. We put everything in a central spot in each room and I'll go back tomorrow to grab it and clean up. It shouldn't take long. As far as how she's doing ...'' He looked in through the door to see Mrs. Sarge fussing about his kitchen, scooping out a bowl of spaghetti with meatballs and putting it in the oven to warm while keeping up a heated one-sided conversation about his awful tastes in cheese that would have to be remedy. Eddie, on the other hand, sat on a bar stool, slouched over and staring into space, nodding along here and there to what the other woman was saying. ''Boss -''

''Hey, it'll take some time. This isn't something you recover from overnight. It's only been three days, just ... keep doing what you're doing - being there. We'll get her through, ok, she's not alone - you're not alone.'' At Jamie's confused glance, he scoffed and explained gently. ''You're hurting, too. Any fool can see that. If you think I can't, after everything we've been through, well - I'll bend you over my knee,'' he smirked. ''Come on,'' he said, clapping his old boot around the shoulders. ''Let's see if the wife has an extra bowl for her little noodle.''

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Jamie jogged up the stairs in his building two at a time, a pharmacy bag in one hand and a casserole dish in the other. Eddie had been given a week off to recover from her injuries before coming back on desk duty but she'd never made it due to developing a bad case of the flu - hence his trip to the pharmacy after his shift. Before that, Mrs. Sarge had came by the station house just as he was leaving to pick up her husband for their anniversary because _''If I don't remind him and make the arrangements myself then he'll forget and he can't say that he's not ready to go out anywhere because I've got his suit and a bouquet of flowers in the back seat of the car already''._ She'd also given him a piping hot casserole dish of lasagna for him and Eddie, telling him they'd stop by on their way home to check on her. She was doing better, Eddie was. Not completely, but at least she was talking more than she had been, and that was a start, he reasoned.

''Eddie, I'm back,'' he called, making sure to engage all the locks behind him - she still got skittish when he didn't. He put the lasagna on the counter underneath the cabinets that held the plates and started unpacking the pharmacy bag; placing a box of tea near the stove, the tissues and the cough medicine on the coffee table in front of the couch, and finally, he pulled out an arrangement of fake daisies. He'd saw the plastic flowers (non-allergy inducing florals, as he liked to refer to them as) while in the pharmacy and, remembering the dozen roses that Renzulli had 'given' his wife in remembrance of their wedding, thought that a bouquet of her own might cheer Eddie up a bit.

He halted in his movements, not having heard her call back or seeing her in the living room. He hoped she was asleep, having had a rough go of it between being sick and the nightmares that still plagued her. He quietly tip-toed his way to her door but stopped when he saw the light on in the bathroom. ''Eddie?'' he knocked. ''You ok? Eddie?'' Still receiving no answer, he tried the knob and found it gave under his hand with a twist from his wrist. ''I'm coming in,'' he warned, opening the door wide. There, sitting on the edge of the tub, curled in on herself and body heaving with muffled sobs, was Eddie. He rushed to her side and pulled her to his chest in wild confusion, his mind racing from one thought to the other. That was when he noticed the upturned pregnancy test that had fallen to the tiled floor. A little happy face smiled mockingly back at him from the little screen. Positive. ''Oh, Eddie.''

~~~~~

'Here you go, drink this,'' he said, holding out a cup of tea for her. After the worse of her crying had subsided he'd moved her to the couch, draping the thick blanket that had been bunched up at one end over her legs. Not thinking that she could handle any food right now, he'd put the lasagna in the oven and put the kettle on the stove - making sure to put in enough water for the both of them.

''Thanks,'' she mumbled as he settled beside her. Her face creased when more tears heated her eyes. ''What am I gonna do?''

''You mean what are we gonna do,'' he corrected. As she slowly turned her head toward him, he continued. ''You're my partner, Eddie. You won't be alone in this. I promise.''

''Partners?''

''Partners.''

For the first time since this whole thing started, he thought he saw a hint of a smile from her.

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''Hey, Reagan, wait up!''

Jamie turned around to see his old TO coming up the hallway. He turned to Eddie. ''Wait on me?''

She nodded and continued on to the women's locker room to get changed back into her street clothes.

''What's up, Sarge?'' Jamie asked as Renzulli caught up to him.

Tony looked around before motioning with his head towards the men's locker room. ''In there.'' He followed Jamie into the room, nodding at two other officers making their way out, and was glad to find the rows between the lockers empty. ''So, how's she doing?''

Jamie scoffed under his breath. Today was the first day Eddie had come back to work since the attack, since finding out about the pregnancy, and if the looks and whispers were anything to go by, everyone in the precinct already knew about both. He'd stayed close to her on the way in as she ducked her head and tried to ignore everybody, then joined her for the day sitting at the desk and going over mounds of paperwork. ''When she's wearing the uniform she's fine, you know, she can ignore everyone. It's like the shield works both ways. I mean, no one is saying anything to her face but the looks and the things they're saying behind her back - I should know, I'm the one watching her back.''

''Hey, calm down. I knew people were gonna talk - you and Eddie knew that, too - and it shows guts that she came back in anyway. Encourage that; that's what she needs. Not someone pointing out the bad things that happened today but someone pointing out the good. Give it a few days and everyone else will find something else to gossip about - just don't go starting anything; she needs you close, not on suspension for defending her honor.''

''I guess,'' Jamie murmured darkly.

''I know.'' Renzulli gave a pointed looked at the younger officer and sighed. ''When you're both done changing go on and head over to mine; Marie wanted to try out this new dish and she wants to check on Eddie herself. I'll be along shortly - I just have to finish up some things here.''

Jamie nodded. ''See ya.''

''Later.''

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Jamie woke up with a groan as he stretched his aching back. He'd been involved in another chase yesterday and had gotten pushed off the fire escape, where he fortunately - or unfortunately, depending on your perspective - landed in a dumpster. Renzulli, his temporary partner, had been furious; charging the guy with everything he could think of in the moment - including public indecency for his underwear showing out of his pants. The charges most likely wouldn't stick, but it did brighten Jamie's outlook for the rest of the day and kept his mind off of him smelling like garbage.

He got out of bed, pulled on an old shirt, and made his way over to Eddie's room. ''Hey,'' he knocked on the open door. ''What do you feel like for ...'' he trailed off, seeing her packing up a duffle bag. ''What's going on?''

''Jamie,'' she said, stuffing a sweater in the bag. ''I appreciate ... everything you've done. Really ... but I don't want you to feel obligated to -''

''Hey, none of that now, ok,'' he said, wrapping her in his arms before sitting them both down on the bed. ''Look, Eddie. That little girl may be someone else's DNA, but from the first time I heard her heart beat - Eddie, she's been my daughter. I'm not going anywhere,'' he chocked out with a shake of his head, ''and neither are you - partner.'' He stood and started unpacking her bag, putting everything back where it belonged. He watched as her eyes unfocused and he had a feeling which memory she was reliving.

_''You know, sitting in here is a bit unnerving,'' Jamie said, fiddling with some puzzle type thing as he and Eddie sat in a darkened patient room of the OB/GYN's office, waiting for the doctor to come and do the scan on the baby._

_Eddie looked over at him. ''You know that's a full-scale model of the female reproductive system, right?''_

_Jamie paused and looked up at her alarmed. He carefully set it back on the desk where he'd found it and clasped his hands together to prevent any further wandering on their part. He blew out a breath. ''How long does it take to -''_

_'Hello,'' the doctor said as she came in. ''Are we ready to see a baby today?''_

_'Yes, and if you could confirm whether or not that's a baby in there instead of a grapefruit I'd be really appreciative because if you are what you eat ...'' Jamie deadpanned, trying to release some of the tension in the room - well, at least from him and Eddie, the doctor looked enough at ease he thought, but she did do this everyday._

_'Well,'' she laughed, ''I can definitely find that out with the scan. Why don't we do that first, so that the worry can be out of your minds.'' She put on her gloves and got everything ready as Eddie pulled open the gown she'd been told to put on. Squeezing out the pre-warmed gel on Eddie's stomach, she roamed the wand back and forth, looking at the screen. ''Ok, I can confirm that it is a baby - human,'' she clarified. ''Everything seems to be going great. It's too early to find out the sex yet, but we should be able to hear the heartbeat,'' she said, flicking a switch and turning the screen towards them._

_Eddie laid there so mesmerized by the sound as she looked at the image of her baby that she didn't hear anything the doctor said until she saw her turning to Jamie._

_'It's okay, Dad,'' the doctor had said with a gentle smile. ''Even the toughest of dads cry in here.''_

_Eddie looked over at him, not hearing the refutal he usually gave: 'No, were not together; we're just partners'. Sure enough, tear tracks were making their way down his cheeks as he stared in awe at the screen, his head tilted slightly to better hear the palpitations coming from the speakers._

_Not trusting his voice, he reached over for Eddie's hand, as he gave a hard swallow. ''Hey there, baby girl.''_

He smiled to himself and looked down at what he was holding. ''You know this is mine, right,'' he joked, showing her the sweater she'd packed.

She gave a watery laugh as she hastily wiped her eyes. ''Partner, huh?'' she asked, going back to their conversation. ''It's been a while since you've called me that.''

''Yeah, well, someone's got desk duty until this little one gets here,'' he said, putting a hand on her six-month belly bump to see if the baby would respond with a kick.

''You know she's kicking me when you do that, right?''

''Sorry.''

''It's ok.''

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_We really should've gotten this done sooner,_ was Jamie's first thought as he and Eddie walked into a nearby baby store. He glanced down at the eight-month protrusion that was now constantly craving carrots - a bag of which was currently hidden in Eddie's purse, peeled and evenly sliced - and mentally added the softest stuffed-bunny he could find on their 'what-to-get-before-the-baby-gets-here' list.

Speaking of Eddie's purse, as his eyes traveled further upwards from her belly he could see her hands twisting the strap near her shoulder, further still and he noticed her eyes darting back and forth. He realized that, while he'd been in this baby-shopping position before with his niece and nephews and various other distant family members, this was most likely Eddie's first time being in a store like this. He remembered back to the first time he came in a similar store with his Grandmother; he'd been nine and quite baffled all around - not really understanding that if babies spent most of the time sleeping why they would need so much stuff when just a bed would do. Needless to say, he knew better now.

''You ok there, partner?'' he asked, causally throwing an arm around her at her stricken look. ''It's normal to be overwhelmed by all this, and downright daunting when you see everything they have in here. In reality, we don't even need half this stuff. Look,'' he said, waving his hand at the right side of the store, ''all that over there is for older babies, which means we've cut our shopping trip down by half already.'' She still looked like she was going to be sick, and while he realized that it wouldn't be an uncommon occurrence to happen in a baby store - for fathers just as much as mothers - he knew she's still be embarrassed that she'd tossed the whole batch of homemade macadamia nut cookies he'd baked for her that morning. ''How about this: later we can come back and get whatever you want - from bibs to booties, all of it - but for today, we'll just focus on the necessities. Things we'll need now for as soon as she gets here ... like a New York Rangers onesie.''

That seemed to help ease some of her anxiety, because she immediately corrected with, ''Philadelphia Flyers. She has to have a Flyers onesie.''

He bobbed his head from side to side in consideration. ''We can get both, see which one she likes better. You know she's gonna take my side in this right?'' He kept up their playful banter as they walked down the aisles, hoping that if he could keep her distracted with it, then maybe everything else would be a little less scary.

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_**Five Years Later** _

''Acushla,'' Jamie murmured in a sing-song voice to the sleeping little five-year-old, shaking her shoulder gently. ''Macushla. It's time to get up.'' He smiled down gently at her, as she opened up one eye and then closed it back, then doing the same with the other before blinking them both awake. ''Good morning. Happy birthday.''

''Happy birthday, Daddy,'' she said on a yawn. She'd raised her arms above her head in a stretch when a dawning look crossed her face. ''Birthday. Pancakes with rainbow sprinkles?'' she asked excitedly, knowing the treat was only for special occasions.

''Rainbow sprinkles, maple syrup, chocolate syrup, whipped cream, cherries - whatever you fancy,'' he nodded. ''You have to get up, though.''

She scrambled out from under the covers and got to her feet, jumping up and down on the bed. ''I'm up, I'm up!''

''Okay, calm down, you. Why don't you grab your clothes and go get ready. I'll start on the pancakes.'' He laughed, shaking his head at her antics, as she bounced off the bed and retrieved her clothes from her chair without stopping on her way to the bathroom.

Leaving her room, he made a quick stop to his own to check on part of the birthday surprise he and Eddie had for her. Bypassing his own twin bed, he made his way to Eddie's and peered underneath. He paused long enough to ensure that, yes, his little girl was still in the bathroom before pulling out a big box wrapped in orange paper - her new favorite color. After checking the box over to make sure it hadn't been tampered with - because surprises were hard to keep with a curious child about - he hid it back under the bed. Eddie had gone out early this morning to pick up the other half of the surprise at the animal shelter: a two-year-old pitbull mix who responded only to the name Joe. Eddie, thinking that the name might upset Jamie, had tried calling him by a few other names, but to no avail. He didn't mind the name - what he did mind was the dog's penchant for french kissing, but he reasoned that as long as he kept his mouth shut everything would be fine.

He hurried to the kitchen to start on the pancake batter and to set out anything that might be construed as a topping. As he got to work, he let his mind wander over the past five years.

_~~~~~_

_''I think you miss that spot next to the corner,'' Eddie said from the door of what use to be her old room. They had both made the decision to move her bed into Jamie's room and turn the second bedroom into a nursery - which was currently being painted such a bright shade of blue it was almost blinding._

_Jamie looked over his shoulder. ''Eddie. Go away; you aren't suppose to be anywhere near the paint fumes.''_

_''I just wanted to see how it was coming on.''_

_''Go.''_

_She held up her hands as she backed out. He shook his head and looked up - he did miss a spot._

_~~~~~_

_The words kept playing over and over in his mind: ''Jamie, I think it might be time.'' Funny how just a few short hours ago he felt close to hysteria but now, holding the tiniest pink bundle he'd ever seen, he felt nothing but peace._

_''Am I going to get to hold her anytime soon?''_

_Jamie didn't even look up, his eyes glued to the angelic face before him. ''Not just yet,'' he said to Tony, who'd just stepped into the room with his wife and son._

_Marie, who had no compunction for intruding on what some people might call a private moment, leaned over his shoulder and cooed at the baby. ''Oooh, Tony, Nicholas, look. How precious. Have you decided on a name?''_

_''Chladaigh,'' he murmured, taking a quick glance at Eddie who was still sound asleep, trying to recover from the exhaustion of the labor. ''Chladaigh Daveigh Janko.''_

_''She looks so small,'' whispered Jamie's three-year-old godson, Nicholas, from his elbow._

_Nick was the spiting image of his father - just a younger version - with his mother's excitable nature. With the level of calm the boy was demonstrating, Jamie guess his father had sat him down before they came in and told him to be mindful. He pushed some of the swaddling away from Chladaigh's face with a finger so the boy could see her better._

_''You know,'' said Tony, coming up to his son and clamping a hand on the boy's shoulder, ''you used to be that small at one time, too.''_

_''You'll both - you know, be her godparents, right?'' Jamie asked suddenly, needing to know that if anything happened to him - to Eddie._

_''We'd be honored, kid,'' Tony assured before Jamie could get too far in his head._

_Jamie nodded in thanks and turned his gaze back to the beautiful little girl in his arms._

_~~~~~_

_''- goodnight RMPs, goodnight precinct, goodnight mace, goodnight tasers, goodnight guns -''_

_''Jamie?'' Eddie questioned from the door way of the nursery._

_Jamie looked up at her, stopping in his slow pace around the room in the hopes of getting Chladaigh to sleep. He blushed when he realized Eddie must have heard him. ''I, uh, started out with Goodnight Moon ... then I realized that I only knew the title - so I improvised.''_

_~~~~~_

_''I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your daughter does have cancer,'' the doctor said._

_Jamie could feel the air leave his lungs as his grip turned white on the metal arms of the chair he was sitting in. Hearing a restrained sob coming from his left, he turned to see Eddie fighting back tears as she clutched their one-year-old baby closer to her chest. She looked at him, so helplessly, and he knew he would have to take the lead on this one. Despite the fear licking it's way up his chest and throat and the blinding panic that was threatening to overtake him, he forced his mind to focus, to push everything else away to ask the doctor, ''What do we need to do.''_

_~~~~~_

_''Shh. Now remember, Mommy must never know,'' Jamie whispered, bringing a finger to his lips._

_The little girl mimicked him as she burrowed further under the comforter where they both hid. ''Ice cream,'' she whispered._

_''Yes, ice cream. You got your spoon?'' he asked, and nodded in approval when she held it up. ''Good girl. Now dig in.''_

_Returning from the store earlier than she'd expected and hearing muffled giggling coming from her daughter's room, she crept slowly out of the kitchen. When she peeked around the corner, she quickly covered her mouth to quieten her laughter and pulled out her phone._

_It wasn't until Jamie saw the screensaver on Eddie's phone of two comforter-clad lumps, one big and the other small, with his legs hanging off the bed did he realize they had been had._

_~~~~~_

_''Daddy, look - I wrote my name.''_

_Jamie turned around to see Chladaigh waving a piece of paper in the air from her position in front of the coffee table. ''Really? That's great. Let me see,'' he said, kneeling next to her._

_When Mrs. Sarge had had Nicholas, one of the first things to come out of her mouth had been that she would be teaching him; he wouldn't be going to school and that was final. The reasoning being that when she called 911 for an ambulance to get her to the hospital and to contact her husband over the radio, the dispatcher had informed her that Sergeant Renzulli was currently on the scene of an active school shooting and it would be a while before he could be released from the scene. Seeing that she was in labor for about 14 hours (because according to Tony ''You can't rush good baked bread, you let it take it's time in the oven'', which was apparently the wrong thing to say to pregnant woman and a broken nose was his reward for sticking his foot in his mouth) he was able to make it in time for the birth._

_He and Tony both thought at the time that it was just her nerves talking, but when it came time for Nicholas to start preschool she stayed true to what she'd said and bought the color and number flash cards herself and set about teaching the little boy. She'd offered to do the same with Chladaigh (''I keep her here anyway while you're at work; besides, I'm doing it with one already, doing it with two won't be much different.'') and Eddie had readily agreed._

_Now, as he looked down at the bright yellow piece of construction paper with letters jumbled up together in the midst of various doodles, he knew it was a good decision. ''Wow. This is really good,'' he praised. ''How about we put this on the on the fridge, that way we can see it all the time?''_

_''Ok.''_

_''Ok. How about some lunch. I made grilled cheese.''_

_''With extra cheese?''_

_He smiled; she really was her mother's daughter. ''With extra, extra cheese.''_

_Later that night, he couldn't sleep. No reason; he just couldn't. Not wanting his restlessness to wake Eddie, he quietly slipped from the room and flopped on the couch. Turning on the TV, he flipped through the channels trying to find something to be of interest. He was about to press the button again when it landed on the news, and instead his thumb hovered over the remote, his eyes glued to the screen. It was news coverage of some famous person getting married. No one he knew or heard of, but anyone could recognize the father-daughter dance and his throat catched, knowing one day that would be him, having to give her away. He changed the channel abruptly and diverted his eyes trying to rid himself of the thought. That was when they landed on the construction paper, and he had a thought. He didn't go to law school for nothing, he thought as he picked up a crayon._

_Not wanting to wake Chladaigh up, he waited until she came out for breakfast the next morning. ''Good morning,'' he said brightly._

_''Morning,'' she mumbled, rubbing sleep from her eyes._

_He put down the knife and butter he was holding and wiped his hands on a dish towel. ''Hey, listen. Remember yesterday when you showed me how you wrote your name.'' He waited for her to nod and helped her into her chair. ''Well, I was wondering if you could do it again, except this time I want to to write it right here,'' he said, pointing to a line he'd drawn at the bottom of the paper he'd wrote on last night. ''It's called a contract - it's like an agreement, a pinky promise.''_

_''What kind of pinky promise?''_

_He stared down at her, a look of pure innocence on her face and his heart tugged a little. He leaned over and wrapped her in his arms. ''That I'm the only man you'll ever love. Ever, ever, ever, ever,'' he said, jiggling them back and forth, both of them giggling. Hearing the toaster go off, he dutifully got up and plated the toast and the bacon and eggs that he was keeping warm on the stove and set it before her. As she started to dig in to her food, he noticed the paper laying by her orange juice. Right there on the line, just after the X was a three-worded sentence that made him melt all over again: Chladaigh loves Daddy._

_~~~~~_

_Jamie and Eddie sat on the couch folding laundry. Chladaigh had had a growth spurt recently, so Eddie had made it a girls day out to get some bigger clothes for their daughter. Pausing in his folding, he held out a button up to inspect it, confirming that the buttons were on the right side. ''Eddie? I think this is a boys shirt.''_

_She looked over at him and the shirt smiling. ''Yeah. We passed by the boys section on our way to the girls; when she saw that she was very insistent.''_

_Jamie shuffled through the rest of the unfolded laundry. ''There's a few more. Why -''_

_Eddie pitched her voice to mimic their daughter's and replied, ''That's the kind of shirts Daddy wears.'' Her smile grew as his confusion turned to affection. ''When we did get to the girls' section she seemed to like the leggings, and there was a time where wearing baggy shirts and skinny pants was a trend - maybe she'll bring it back.''_

_'Well at least she's wearing more clothes and not less.'' Eddie huffed at him and they continued with their folding. He stopped again as he realized the shirt in his hands was actually pretty close to an exact replica of one he had in his closet, just smaller. He'd heard of 'mommy and me' clothing, where the daughter and mother matched, but never a daddy and me, and he had to admit it made him feel just a little bit more special to her._

_''Daddy?''_

_He looked up from his musing to Chladaigh standing in her bedroom doorway. ''Hey, it's late. What are you doing up?''_

_''I can't sleep; Hoppy had a bad dream,'' she said, clutching her stuffed bunny close._

_''C'mere,'' Jamie said standing. He picked her up and squeezed. ''Do you think a story will make Hoppy feel well enough to go to sleep?'' He kissed her nodding head, and said, ''Ok, let's go find a story.''_

_The next morning Jamie walked into the kitchen to see Eddie cleaning up the breakfast dishes. ''Hey, Chladaigh and I are going to make a quick trip to the auto parts store, then spend some time working on the Chevelle. Need anything while we're out?''_

_''I don't think so,'' she said, drying her hands off. ''Let me just get her ready real quick -''_

_''I got it.''_

_Eddie narrowed her eyes curiously at him for his quick answer and the tip of his ears turned red._

_Understanding then dawned on her face as Chladaigh came out, wearing one of the button-up shirts she'd gotten yesterday - the same plaid one Jamie wore now. ''Ahh, did Daddy help you get dressed this morning?'' she asked._

_''I helped,'' Chladaigh said, pulling down on the shirt and holding out a polka-dotted clad leg for her own inspection._

_Jamie grimaced. Talking her into the shirt had been easy; talking her out of the blue-with-yellow polka-dot leggings had been a no-go, so her clothes clashed horribly. To top it all off was her hair: she'd insisted she wanted a pony-tail and, for as good as he was at most everything else, he was hopeless when it came to hairstyles. He was also hopeless for her puppy-dog eyes, so there on the top of her head sat a messy, lopsided pony-tail, looking as though a storm had passed through it._

_''Daddy said I could help with the shovel.''_

_''The shov - oh, you mean the Chevelle,'' Eddie corrected._

_Chladaigh tilted her head. ''That's what I said. Shovel.''_

_Jamie shook his head and scooped her up in his arms, tickling her belly and blowing raspberries on her cheek. He set the giggling little girl on his hip, leaning her towards Eddie so she could give her a kiss goodbye._

_''Be back before lunch,'' Eddie called after them._

_''We won't be gone that long will we?'' the little girl asked._

_''Oh, you,'' Jamie said, grabbing his keys and giving her another tickle behind her knee._

_~~~~~_

_Jamie held Chladaigh in his lap as they looked out her bedroom window at the night sky, chanting together, ''Star light, star bright, the first star I see tonight; I wish I may, I wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.''_

_''Do you think it'll come true, Daddy?''_

_''Will what come true,'' Jamie asked, playing innocent. ''My wish.''_

_''Ooohhhh. Well, I don't know - what'd you wish for?''_

_''A puppy.''_

_''A pup-'' Jamie smiled and nodded, looking back out at the sky. ''I guess we'll just have to see, won't we? What kind of puppy did you wish for?''_

_''A bully - like the ones you like.''_

_Oh, this girl was gonna break his heart. ''You mean a pit-bull?'' At her nod, his grin grew wider. He'd always wanted a dog, never really got around to it staying busy with work and the like. Ever since Chladaigh came into his life, though, he'd learned to slow down and just enjoy certain moments - like this one. ''We'll just have to wait and see if the star makes it come true.''_

_~~~~~_

_Jamie walks over to where Eddie is sitting on the couch, her head leaned against the back of it, with a fresh ice pack in his hands and gives it to her. Needless to say, their daughter and Nicholas' little outing to the zoo didn't go so well._

_She groans as she puts it on her head, the coldness from the ice stinging at first. ''Ow.''_

_''I think you can check getting hit in the head with a rock by a chimpanzee off you to-do list,'' he quipped. At her glare, he held back a chuckle and reached for the remote, turning on the TV and muting the volume._

_''Here you go, Mommy,'' Chladaigh said, running into the room with her stuffed bunny. ''Hoppy will make you feel better.''_

_'Mmm, thanks, sweetie. You know what would really help? You coming up here and just sitting with me for a minute - I need a hug.''_

_Jamie schooched over a bit so the little girl could climb up and snuggle close to her mother, her feet landing in his lap. He switched the channel off the news to a more kid-friendly one and stretched out. It wasn't long before he heard even breathing coming from the both of them and looked over. Eddie was out, arms wrapped around her daughter, her head leaning down towards her, ice pack held in place between her head and the couch. Chladaigh, quickly soothed to sleep by his unconscious rubbing of her feet, was curled into her mother's chest. He carefully took out his phone and took a picture. Turning off the TV, he sank down into the cushions himself, thinking that a nap wouldn't be a bad idea._

_~~~~~_

_Jamie walked out of the bathroom, a now squeaky-clean Chladaigh on his hip, just as Eddie pulled dinner from the oven. ''Smells great,'' he said. ''What is it?''_

_''A chicken casserole.'' She put it down on top of the oven mitts she'd put on the table and looked up, laughing. ''Have fun with bathtime, did we?''_

_Jamie put the little girl in a chair and looked down at himself. ''At least I managed to stay drier than I did yesterday,'' he defended. ''Hey, where'd the little floatable police car come from,'' he asked, referring to the new bath toy he'd spotted when filling up the tub._

_''Marie. She saw them at the store and got one for Chladaigh and Nicholas. Why, you like it?''_

_''Daddy spent all of bathtime making it go vroom-vroom,'' Chladaigh piped up excitedly._

_''Did he now?'' Eddie smiled, seeing the tips of Jamie's ears turn red._

_''Shut up,'' he muttered, grabbing the plates and napkins to set the table._

_~~~~~_

_''Eddie, come on, open up!'' Jamie said, standing outside of the bathroom door where Eddie had holed herself up with Chladaigh. ''I'm sorry.''_

_''She could have died, Jamie!''_

_''I didn't know she'd done it! It's not like I ever told her about what I used to do when I was a kid.'' He sighed, regretting telling Eddie that he used to swallow stuff as a kid after she called him frantically after their daughter had swallowed a quarter. He leaned his head against the door. ''Has the laxative worked yet?''_

_''Not yet.''_

_''Just ... give it time, it has to go through her system first. Just come on out; we can sit on the couch and wait.''_

_He stumbled forward as the door opened. Eddie had the little girl on her hip, and she kept glancing up at him from the corner of her eye. He knew she wasn't really mad at him; she was scared, and, well, he was there for her to take it out on. He reached out and took Chladaigh from her._

_''Daddy? My tummy's all grumbly.''_

_''Aww. Would some ice cream make it feel better?'' he asked, rubbing her stomach in small circles. At her nod, he walked to the kitchen. ''We'll get some ice cream then, and then we'll watch a movie. How does that sound?''_

_They were halfway through the movie - with the ice cream long gone - when Chladaigh looked up at him. ''Daddy, my tummy still hurts. Can I have more ice cream?''_

_''It's 'may I', and no. You swallowed 25 whole cents, it's probably not going to feel good for a little longer; at least until the laxative kicks in.''_

_''I didn't swallow 25 cents. I swallowed 75.''_

_Jamie raised his head to share a look with Eddie. '''Cushla, honey, just what and all have you swallowed?''_

_~~~~~_

_Jamie wrapped his arms tighter around Eddie as she tried her best to muffle her sobs into the cuff of his shoulder. 'Overcrowding' and 'good behavior' were words that kept running through both of their minds ever since Jake Singer's probationary officer called to let Eddie know the man had been released. Both of them had stared at the ceiling earlier in the night from their respective beds unable to rest, but he'd noticed that Eddie had seem to have finally drifted off not long ago - only to wake up screaming. He'd got to her as quickly as he could, hoping their daughter was still asleep and hadn't heard anything. That was the main fear on both of their minds: Chladaigh. As far as they knew, Singer had no idea of her existence - and they certainly didn't plan to inform him of the fact; she was Jamie's, and that's all there was to it ... but if he looked Eddie up after he got out, if he found a sympathetic judge and convinced him he'd changed ..._

_''Mommy?''_

_They pulled apart from each other and Eddie quickly turned away, trying to dry her cheeks. Jamie turned from his position on the edge of the bed and held out his arms. ''C'mere, 'Cushla (or macushla). He let out a breath he didn't know he was holding as her little arms wrapped around his neck. With one hand holding her close to his chest, he reached out his other to clasp around Eddie's arm to give her grounding. ''Mommy just had a bad dream, ok. It's nothing to worry about. Everything is gonna be ok.''_

_''Promise, Daddy?'' Chladaigh asked, looking worriedly at Eddie._

_As the word 'daddy' rolled so naturally off her tongue and her wide innocent eyes turned to him so trustingly and with such conviction that he would make everything better, he felt his throat constrict and tighten. Anything, he thought. Anything he had to do, he'd do it - that man wasn't getting his daughter. ''Promise.''_

_~~~~~_

_Jamie let out a groan as he slowly opened his eyes, and as they came into focus he saw his partner and daughter kneeling over him. He groaned again and sat up, a hand automatically going to the back of his throbbing head. ''What happened,'' he slurred._

_''You fell and went boom,'' Chladaigh said, crawling onto his lap._

_''Or, to put it more accurately,'' Eddie began, shifting behind him and pushing his hand out of the way to get a look, ''you two were doing your crazy dance, you tripped and banged your head on the coffee table.''_

_''Oh,'' he said. He felt like that should be embarrassing, but honestly, his head hurt too much to care. ''How's it look, Doc?''_

_She came back around to his side. ''No blood, the bump's coming out instead of going in - I'd say you'll live.''_

_''Thanks.'' He looked down at his little girl in his lap. ''Sorry about our dance.''_

_''That's ok, Daddy,'' Chladaigh said. ''I'll make sure that our next dance is a slow one.''_

_~~~~~_

A knock on the door broke him from his musings, and he wiped his hands on a dish towel, throwing it over his shoulder as he walked to answer the door. ''Coming!'' He opened the door to find the whole lot of the Reagan family standing outside in the hall.

''Happy Birthday!'' they shouted.

''What -'' he started slowly, ''are you guys doing here? You've never just shown up -''

''We wanted to surprise you,'' Nicki said. ''Are you surprised?''

''Yeah, Jamie,'' said Erin said, blowing on a party horn. ''Surprised?''

Jamie let out a breath of air in an attempt at laughter, not quite managing it. ''Yeah. Listen, now's not really a good time -''

''Oh, what; you've got a girl here or something?'' Danny jibbed.

''Or something,'' Jamie muttered.

''Are you going to let us in or what?'' asked Henry.

''Daddy - pancakes!'' Chladaigh ran up to him, wrapping her little arms around his leg and tried to pull him to the kitchen in excitement.

''Ok, ok, I'll be right there,'' he laughed, her giddiness infectious. ''Why don't you go see if there's any toppings I missed?''

''Will you read me the boxcar book after?''

''The Boxcar Children,'' he corrected, ''and yes, I will. Go pick out one we haven't read yet.''

''Ok,'' she said, running off.

He turned back to the door, the smile slipping from his face as he noticed all of their stunned expressions. ''Look, I don't really have time for this talk right now. Just ... thanks for the visit, but I'll talk to all of you later. I'll see you tomorrow for Sunday dinner, as planned,'' he said, shutting the door.

~~~~~

''So they know,'' Eddie stated later that night, after Chladaigh had been put to bed.

''Yeah,'' he nodded, staring into his mug. A cup of tea before going to bed had become a routine for them over the years - dating back to when they first found out she was expecting - and it was simply a time to relax and talk to each other about what had happened earlier in the day, any accomplishments Chladaigh had.

Eddie brought the cup closer to her and pulled her legs up underneath her. ''You didn't have to keep it a secret, Jamie. I never asked -''

''I know you didn't, and I wouldn't have, but ... I just - I knew what it would be if they knew.''

''Maybe it won't be as bad as you're thinking,'' she said, tracing the rim of her cup.

He sighed, knowing it would be. ''Yeah, maybe.''

~~~~~

Grace had been said, dishes had been passed, the ''how was everyone's week'' had been met with either a ''good'' or a simple and condensed one-sentence answer, and Jamie had had enough. Sighing, he put down his utensils. ''Why don't we just get this over and done with now, since apparently, no one is going to say anything until we do.''

''Do what you want,'' Erin said snidely, ''it's your birthday party.''

''We'd already made plans to celebrate today since my birthday fell on a Saturday this year; that way we wouldn't have to make a big dinner two days in a row.''

''Yeah, because we were going to surprise you,'' Erin said heatedly.

''Something you've never done before when my birthday's been on a Saturday - and, all of you should know by now that I don't like surprises.''

'Silence!'' Henry shouted, his raised voice startling everyone. ''Now, if we're doing this now then I believe Jamie has something he wants to say and I don't want to hear any other voice until he's finished. Am I clear?'' he asked, sending a pointed look to the more opinionated people at the table.

Jamie nodded at his grandfather appreciatively. He sat up in the chair, raised his head and took a breath, and began the story.

When he was finished, he was met with even more silence. Looks of varying degrees on the faces around the room. He took a moment and prayed for patience, because he knew what was coming, and this time he wasn't bowing out; he wasn't going to just play the peacekeeper and agree to satisfy everyone else - he was tired of that; he was done.

''Aww, kid,'' started Danny, shaking his head.

''Don't 'aww, kid' me Danny. I knew what I was doing, ok, and I'd do it again. I'm not a baby whose hand you have to hold.''

Danny gather himself quickly, startled by the harsh retaliation from his usually easygoing, peaceable brother. ''Jamie, raising a child is different than just -''

''You don't think I know that? I've been doing this for five years now - I think I've got it.''

''I can't believe it took you five years to tell us,'' Frank said in a disappointed voice. Each of his kids was different, and for Jamie, him thinking that he disappointed you or knowing he messed up was the best way for him to get his act together.

Jamie sat up straighter and narrowed his eyes at this father. He knew that voice, and he knew the game that was being played when it was used - guilt trip. He scoffed. ''I didn't tell anyone because I already knew what everyone was going to say, and I also knew that when I didn't listen you would go to Eddie - and that was the last thing she needed.''

Frank looked up, the steel in his son's voice telling him his ace wasn't going to work this time, or ever again. He tried reason. ''Jamie -''

Jamie barreled on. ''Linda, I could've told, she would have understood, but I couldn't ask her to keep it a secret from her husband, because he would just assume I got in over my head and I couldn't handle it because nothing I do could ever match his perfect standards. I could've told the boys, they're trustworthy enough, but Nicki would be all up in arms if she ever found out I told them and not her - and I couldn't do that because she's the blabber mouth of the family. Dad would tell me to think of the department. Pop would tell me I shouldn't be doing this with my partner. Erin has always treated me like the baby of the family -''

''She's not your daughter,'' Erin said hotly.

''She is to me!'' Jamie fumed.

''Alright, enough!'' Frank breathed heavily. ''We can come back to this later, when we've all had a chance to clear our heads - but I do expect a letter on your sergeant's desk tomorrow morning requesting a partner change.''

''What?'' Jamie said in disbelief. That was what his dad was stuck on?

''You're right in thinking I would tell you to think of the department and that you shouldn't be playing house with your partner. Bad things can happen when the line gets blurred, Jamie. It's either request a partner change or move in with me and Pop until you can find a new place to live.''

''Francis,'' Henry looked at his son in shock.

Jamie's voice was dangerously low when he answered. ''That's not an ultimatum for you to make. Neither of us is going anywhere; no line had been blurred - we're just partners.''

''You're living with her, raising her daughter whose come to see you as her father - and you don't think that's a blurred line?''

''This has been going on for five years and our work has never been compromised; now that the secret's out and you know that changes everything, does it?''

''Yes.''

''Unbelievable.''

''Five years,'' Danny muttered. ''Kid you should have come to us, trusted us enough to -''

''Yeah, because everybody's handling everything oh so well. This,'' Jamie said, gesturing his arms around the room, ''is why I keep secrets. I don't have to tell you guys everything.''

''So there's more?'' Erin said, her arms and legs crossed rigidly.

''I'm sorry, am I not entitled to the same privacy as everyone else at this table?''

''What secrets?'' Frank asked

''What, you want my whole life story? Ok, how about this: did you know it wasn't my choice to go to law school? Yeah. Mom didn't want me to be a cop. I was her last little hatching, her last chance - you two and Joe, you wore the crowns of justice like dad, but she was determined for me to be a success. You don't think I wanted to play sports like you in school,'' he turned to Danny. ''I did; basketball - so badly, but Mom never signed the forms, just told me when debate class was and where the chess club was being held and walked me to the doors. When I turned 18, I thought I could finally be free, join the force like I wanted; I would be an adult I wouldn't have to listen to her. You know what she did? She came up to me, handed me acceptance papers to Harvard - close by where she could still keep an eye on me but far enough away to not want what Danny and Joe had - and you know what she said? She looked me dead in the eyes and she said, 'stress could bring her out of remission; could bring her cancer back and that I didn't want to cause her any stress, did I?' I wanted to hate her, but I knew you guys needed her - despite her suffocating me you needed her so I left for Massachusetts.''

''You should have told us,'' Danny tried again, still unable to wrap his head around all of this.

''Would a different decision really have been made? No, you would've told me to suck it up and do what she said. So I did. Even when she came to the campus. I had just joined a study group, it was our first meeting when she made a surprise visit. Sydney just so happened to be sitting next to me - I didn't even know her - but when Mom walked up she asked if me and my 'friend' could show her around the campus. Sydney didn't care, she just wanted a reason to not have to study. So we walk around the school, and Mom gets it into her head that we're just perfect together. Later that night, I find myself paying Sydney to be my girlfriend. Yeah. She wasn't going to do it out of the kindness of her heart, she wanted money; I had to work four jobs just to keep up with all the designer clothes she was buying, and that was on top of still having to pay for a law degree I didn't want. I didn't even have time to go to the classes; the only way I was able to pass those was because of my eidetic memory - and don't act all shocked,'' he said turning back to Danny and Erin, ''if you knew I had a eidetic memory you would have used it to your own advantage. Hey, Jamie, remember this; hey, Jamie, remember that. With neither of you knowing, you learned to remember for yourselves.''

''Well this just keeps getting better and better,'' Erin said snidely.

''Oh, that's not even the whole of it. You know how we got engaged? No one ever asked for that story. Grandpa told me to go tell everyone that lunch was ready. Mom and Sydney are missing, so I go look for them. I find them upstairs and Mom's showing Sydney her engagement ring and said that one day it'll be hers. That's when Mom looked over and saw me; she smiled and put the ring on Sydney's finger.'' He scoffed. ''At the time there was four detectives and two lawyers at the table and not one of you thought to question or ask anything about it. No, I take that back; Joe figured it out - three days before he died. I couldn't break up with Sydney after Mom died because it would reflected poorly on the newly appointed commissioner and the family name. That's what I told Joe when he confronted me about the sham of a relationship I was in. He tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen then but when he died I figured out a way to honor his wish - fulfill my dream of becoming a cop. I knew once I did that it would only be a matter of time before things imploded. Sydney didn't say anything at first, thinking it was just a phase and I would go back to being a lawyer, but because I was spending so much time trying to find out who killed Joe and not enough time with her - well, she knew it would look bad on her if she dumped me while I was still grieving but you better believe she took her first chance out, and again - not one of you asked for a single reason. So yeah, I've kept secrets, but I'm tired of putting on a show just to spare your feelings and doing what's expected of me. Nothing I do is ever good enough for this family; I always seem to be a disappointment and a source of shame in one way or another. So if I have to choose, between Chladaigh and Eddie or this family, then I'll make my choice but be prepared because it won't be you I choose.'' Jamie took a calming breath, his voice softening back to normal. ''They're my family. I'm not asking for her to be a part of yours.'' He wiped his mouth on his napkin and stood. ''You know what, I have better things to do than to sit and go around and around. Goodbye,'' he said walking out of the dining room, grabbing his father's prized bottle of Jameson and breaking it behind him.

Henry stood, heading towards the stairs to go to his room; to have a moment of peace to think. Over his shoulder, he muttered, ''I'm disappointed in you, Francis. In all of you.''

~~~~~

''Coming!'' Jamie yelled to the knocking coming from the door. He turned back to his daughter laying on the couch with a thermometer in her mouth. Pulling it out, he squinted at the little red temperature gauge. ''It's coming down,'' he told her. ''How about I put on some soup.''

''Potato?'' she asked, her voice scratchy.

''Yes.''

''With cheese and bacon bities?''

''Is there really any other way to serve such a dish?'' He smiled at her little giggle and pulled the blankets up to her chin. ''I'll be right back,'' he said, kissing her forehead. He stood, and walked over to the door, sliding the thermometer onto the countertop on his way.

''It's just the three of us,'' said Henry as soon as Jamie opened the door. ''It was just going to be me, but Linda asked me stop to pick up the boys from school - they have her working overtime because of flu season. Awful thing.''

Jamie looked over his shoulder toward the couch. ''Tell me about it.''

''Oh? Eddie or Chladaigh?'' Henry asked, his Irish accent thickening on Chladaigh's name.

''Chladaigh. Eddie went to the pharmacy to get some more medicine.'' Jamie looked between the only three people who hadn't had something negative to say at dinner (four, counting Linda) and sighed. ''Is it really a good idea for you two to be here?'' He knew that while Danny had been pretty miffed at first, any anger he'd had had turned to hurt, realizing that he'd never really been the big brother he'd promised he'd be upon Jamie's birth - at least that's what Linda had said when she'd called later that night to see if he was ok - and Linda ... well, Linda wasn't mad at him per say; she'd actually been very understanding and supportive in the face of the rest of his family after he left apparently, but he could tell she was a little hurt that he hadn't come to her, especially when Chladaigh got sick. Seeing the boys here now, he didn't want them to get in any sort of trouble with the rest of the family.

''Eh, it's been awhile since I've gotten grounded and I've kinda been longing for the silence of my room,'' Sean joked.

Jack frowned. ''You got grounded twelve days ago.''

''Yeah, I know - it's been awhile,'' Sean nodded sagely.

Jamie shook his head at them and opened the door wider. ''On your own heads be it.''

''Well, hello there,'' Henry said, seeing a set of blue eyes peeping over a blanket. ''Oh, that's a big yawn. Are you a sleepy girl?''

''Tired,'' she said, sitting up and rubbing her eye with a fist. ''I feel like I got ran over by a train.''

Sean gave her a sympathetic look. ''Yeah. I feel that way four days out of five. Except for me it's usually a school bus.''

''Gee, maybe that has something to do with you always hitting your head on the stop sign on the side of the bus?'' Jack said.

''Well, the sign should be higher.''

''Maybe you should go around, or duck - or look where your going.''

''I do look where I'm going.''

''No, you don't.''

''We've known each other our whole lives; when have I ever -''

''Actually, just your whole life. I had 2 years alone before you came along and they were the most blissful two years ...''

Chladaigh laughed. ''You two are funny.''

''No,'' Sean corrected, ''I'm funny - he's a dork.''

Jack gave him an indignant look. ''Hey!''

Jamie shook his head at their antics and went to the kitchen to get started on some soup, his grandfather following behind, watching him intently.

''So? How've you been?''

''Honestly,'' Jamie said, turning to lean against the counter after turning on the stove, ''I feel great. I got a weight lifted off my chest and now that it's gone - I'm fine.''

''Your father -''

'''My father','' Jamie parroted back at him, scoffing. ''You know he's one to talk about the blurred lines of personal and professional life - I honestly can't remember the last time I saw my dad instead of the Commissioner.''

''I'm an old man, Jamie, and I don't want my last years on this Earth to be me seeing my family pulled apart.''

''That's not on me, Grandpa,'' he said. ''I'm tired of always conceding -''

''I know,'' Henry said, holding up his hands, ''but now that you've gotten rid of your secrets, the burdens off your chest, now that we know what your life has really been like -'' He shook his head. ''Jamie, I'm sorry, if I've treated you any differently. It was never my intention for you to feel like the black sheep of the family, and I'm sorry for not seeing something sooner. Perhaps if I had have, things with your mother ... I ask your forgiveness, and while I can't speak for the rest of the family, know that I will be on your side in this.''

Jamie looked down at his shoe, scuffing the toe against the floor, truly touched by his grandfather's words. ''Thanks.''

Henry let out a hum, nodding. ''Now, I want to meet my newest granddaughter - it's been five years in the making and I'm not waiting any longer.''

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_**CHAPTER 2: Five Years Later and Beyond** _

****

Jamie smiled brightly at Eddie maniacaled laughter, with her elbows up in suds. Tonight was one of their rare 'adult nights', where Chladaigh went over to the Renzulli's for the weekend and had a fun-filled, three-day sleepover with Nicholas while they did all the things they couldn't normally do around their daughter. Like eating nothing but desserts for dinner, sleeping in late, staying up late - and Jamie had quite giddily stage-whispered to Eddie that he felt ''so bad'' when they put in a PG-13 movie, like it was the naughtiest thing he'd ever done.

Now, their last night of freedom coming to an end, they were doing the dishes ... well, were doing the dishes - now they were having a suds war, throwing bubbles at each other. Eddie had started tossing handfuls of water at Jamie after he'd grabbed the sprayer and doused her from head to toe. Needless to say, they were both pretty soaked - as was the counter, and the floor, but they kept laughing and kept splashing. It was when Eddie jumped up to smear bubbles in Jamie's hair that she slipped on the slick floor, going down.

Jamie managed to catch her just before she hit the floor and rolled her on top of him. The shock wore off quickly and they were left breathless once again, Eddie curling in on herself from laughing so hard, falling off of Jamie in the process.

''Ugh, I think I hurt my funny bone,'' Jamie groaned as he rolled over to face Eddie, and that just set the both of them off again. They both finally started to calm down, taking in ragged breaths to get air back into their lungs. That was when he realized just how close they were, and the atmosphere around them changed instantly. Jamie searched her eyes, flitting back and forth between one and the other. His nose bumped hers accidentally and it sent a rush of heat through his chest. He did it again, purposefully this time, waiting to see how she would respond. Doubt, curiosity, longing - when he saw the last one in her eyes he extended his neck just a little further, meeting her lips with his/touching his lips to hers.

Pulling back after just a few seconds, he was breathless for a whole new reason. So was she - and he wanted to make her that way again. He lifted his hand and brushed her hair back behind her ear, his fingers curving around the back of her head to gently pull her closer to him as he pushed into her, bracing himself above her on the floor.

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''What's got you in such a good mood?'' Renzulli asked, looking up from buttoning up his shirt as Jamie walked into the empty (save for himself) locker room to change into his uniform.

Jamie opened his locker, a little smirk curving his lips. ''She glows,'' he muttered.

''Who glows?''

''Eddie.''

''She get sprayed with that glow-in-the-dark paint stuff? Cause that's no joke - it's hard to come off.''

Jamie sighed and dumped his duffel bag in the bottom of his locker. ''You promise not to tell anyone?''

''Remember Harry Potter? The first movie where that old guy says it's a secret so the whole school knows?'' Tony raised an arm and waved it back. ''Welcome to school.''

Jamie huffed a laugh. Turning around and putting his hands on his hips, he confessed, ''Eddie and I kissed last night.''

''What?'' Tony said in shock, coming to sit on the bench closest to his old boot.

''Hey, you said this was school - not the girls locker room.''

''No. No, I know, it'll stay between us - and Marie, of course, if she doesn't already know.'' Tony was lost to himself for a minute, thoughts rushing through his brain. ''When - how?''

''You know you had Chladaigh over for a sleepover last weekend, so that Eddie and I could have some time to ourselves.''

''Yeah?''

''Well, it happened Sunday night - yesterday.''

Tony narrowed his eyes. ''How far did it go?''

Jamie shot up from where he was tying his shoes. ''Whoa, not like that, ok. It was - it was innocent, ok - we were just -''

''Hey, hey, slow it down and just tell me.''

Jamie sighed. ''We were doing the dishes.''

''Ok.''

''We had some fun with the suds - like a bubble war.''

''Ok.''

''We slipped on the water in the floor -''

''Are you both alright?''

Rubbing his hands down his face and groaning at the interrogation, Jamie said, ''Yeah, were fine. We fell, we were close ... we kissed. That's all.'' He sat back down on the bench, twisting his watch around his wrist. ''It was kinda awkward after that. We finished up with the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and then just went to our separate beds. Stared at the ceiling for a while, you know?''

Renzulli was quiet, looking carefully at Jamie. ''Look, I didn't mean to interrogate you, it's just ... you know how big of a deal this is - to Eddie, right? Ever since what happened with Singer ... she's made that little girl her whole world, nothing else.''

''No, I know.''

''She trust you, Jamie. I don't want to see that messed up - I don't want to see her hurt again.''

''Neither do I.''

''Then whatever this is, you two need to talk about it, not stare at ceilings. I'll support the both of you either way, but you've gotta talk it through. This isn't gonna be easy for her.''

''I know that, too, but ... I'm not just some guy, Tony, and I'm not him. I wouldn't - I'm not gonna ...''

''What?''

Jamie open and closed his mouth, trying to find the right words - or words close enough to the right ones - to say. ''I have feeling for her - I have for a long time -'' he cut off on a sigh. ''There - I said it.'' He shook his head. ''If it isn't love, Sarge, I don't know what is.''

Renzulli nodded, processing what Jamie had just said. He wondered if he should ask the big question as Jamie continued fiddling with his watch. ''Does your family know? Five years ago, you was telling them you and Eddie were just friends, just partners. If memory serves, it didn't go over so well then. What would they say as to things changing now?''

Jamie scoffed. ''I didn't care then, I don't care now.'' While fences had been mended between him and his family, with the heavy influence of his grandfather, there were still cracks that surfaced from time to time. Especially at family dinner when his grandfather (or Danny or Linda or his nephews) would ask after both of his girls. He'd not brought either of them to the house and part of the consternation came after he'd switched churches with them to where Tony and Marie went to; now only seeing his family at their weekly dinners. It didn't matter, though. He'd faced them for Chladaigh, he'd face them for Eddie, too.

''Well, you've got me - and I'm sure I can speak for Marie as well when I say this - in your corner. I really hope it goes well; you both deserve it.'' He stood and clapped Jamie's shoulder. ''I'm sorry. I didn't mean to be such a ball-buster - you seemed happy when you walked in here. I'm just looking out for the both of you.''

''I know. Thanks, Boss.''

Renzulli, finished dressing, turned for the door, stopping before he opened it. ''Oh, and Jamie? Hurt her, and you'll be going through me, mister,'' he said, pointing a threatening finger with the hand holding his hat; Mrs. Renzulli staring back at him from within it.

The right side of Jamie's lips turned up. ''Probably wouldn't be much left of me after I got through with myself.''

Tony nodded, tapping the doorframe on his way out, leaving Jamie sitting on the bench.

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Jamie watched from where he was leaned up against the doorframe as Eddie sewed back on a button that had fell off one of Chladaigh's shirts, her nimble fingers weaving in and out. He drew his bottom lip in in hesitation before taking his hands out of his pockets and walking toward her. Wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing his nose to her neck. ''Is this ok,'' he asked.

He felt the nod she gave but was relieved when he heard her voice it aloud. ''It's fine.''

Jamie raised his hand to toy with the gold circle pendant hanging from the necklace she always wore. ''I never inquired about this,'' he said, a slight question in his voice.

''It was from my grandfather. He got it for my grandma for their twentieth wedding anniversary.''

His fingers kept twirling the circle as he watched her hands. He waited as she tied off the thread and put her sewing things back in her bag, then turned her around in his arms. He leaned down and rested his lips against hers a beat before pulling them into his own. Pulling back to take a quick breath, he took another step forward, bringing her closer to him, and then reconnected their lips. He slowly traced the seam of her mouth -

''Mom! Have you seen my other shoe?''

Jamie huffed a laughed, their daughter unwittingly breaking up their moment. He'd taken Renzulli's advice, sitting down with Eddie that night and talking things through, and while they had decided to give things a try between them they didn't want their daughter to know just yet. What if things didn't work between them? It would already be awkward between them - Jamie having insisted that even if it didn't work out that they could still stay with him so that Chladaigh would have the both of them - they didn't want it to be awkward for her as well.

''I'll get her,'' he said, his hands running up and down her hips, and giving her a quick parting kiss on the tip of her nose. He'd just passed the couch when he heard little feet pattering against the floor.

''It's gone,'' Chladaigh said, coming into the living room.

''How about I help you look, huh?'' he said, holding out his arms. She was tall enough now that he didn't have to bend over to pick her up and putting his hands under her arms, he lifted her and threw her over his shoulder. ''Did you check under the bed? There's a big magnet under there, you know. It mysteriously pulls any lost items under there and into it's deep, dark depths,'' he said, taking on a haunting tone, and tugging on her socked toes when she giggled at him.

''Dad, you are so weird.''

''Me?''

''Yes, you.''

''I'll have you know that I'm one cool cat,'' Jamie defended himself, as he tried to pretend that he couldn't hear Eddie laughing behind them.

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''I knew I packed an extra bottle,'' Jamie said, returning to the big beach umbrella where Eddie was rubbing the remaining contents of the other bottle of sunscreen into her sleepy daughter's back. He handed her the bottle and braced himself with a hand as he dropped onto the shaded sand. ''Tired, 'Cushla?''

Chladaigh was so drained from the car ride and all the fun-in-the-sun that she didn't even respond save for a single nod.

''I may not be the best pillow but I'll do for the time being, won't I?''

The exhausted girl yawned widely and crawled over to her father, snuggling into his side and falling asleep almost immediately.

Jamie threw his other arm out to the side, beckoning Eddie to him. ''Come lay down with us. I think we could all use a nap.''

Eddie knelt down next to him and shifted to her side, jumping a little when his arm came back around her to pull her close. Her head rested on his shoulder well enough, the wind tickling her hair across his arm and face, but her left hand hovered in the air above his chest; moving back and forth, unsure of where to rest it on his bare chest.

''Eddie,'' he chuckled. He gave her a quick kiss to the top of her head when she'd settled her hand to lay in front of her face, unintentionally mimicking her daughter's position. Like mother, like daughter, he thought, glancing from the woman at his shoulder to the girl at his ribs. He took a deep breath of salty air and closed his eyes in a light doze.

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''Eddie,'' Jamie tried again as he watched Eddie go back and forth from the closet to the full-length mirror, holding up dresses in front of her. ''You look beautiful - really.''

''I just want tonight to go well; make a good impression and all that,'' she'd said, settling on a dark green dress with long sleeves and came mid-calf. It was Henry's birthday dinner at the Reagan house and he'd invited them over to have dinner with the family. Jamie had said no at first but Eddie insisted that she'd be ok, that if they were going to be married then she should get used to interactions with the family.

Jamie watched as she pulled the dress up her legs and over the slip she wore, stopping at her hips to put her arms through. When she'd tugged the material up over her shoulders, the light from her engagment ring captured her attention for a moment and he smiled as her lips slowly curved upwards at the sight of it, before quickly disappearing as it apparently made her think of what jewelry to wear with the dress and she went to the little box she kept on the dresser. ''I don't really care how tonight goes; just that I come back home with the most beautiful girl there,'' he said, coming up behind her as she stuck earrings in her ears and wrapped his arms around her, propping his chin on her shoulder.

''I do. I don't want to be the reason there's a wedge between you and your family - and it's Henry's birthday, I don't want to ruin it.''

''You won't,'' he assured. ''Look, it'll be tense, I'm not gonna lie, but I'm sure they're getting a lecture right now to be on their best behavior, and if things start to get too unbearable then we can just leave, pick up Chladaigh from the Renzulli's and come back here and forget about ever going back.'' While Eddie had accepted the invitation from Henry, she did decline on bringing her daughter; she wanted to see how things would go with just her first before she brought her into it all and Jamie was thankful that if things didn't go well then at least she'd be out of the crossfire. A part of him did want to be able to take his family with him to Sunday dinners like Danny was able to, another part of him wanted them as far apart as he could get them.

''I just -''

''It'll be fine, and it not, then it doesn't matter. It's just you and me, partner,'' he said. He stood there with her in front of the mirror, just holding her for a moment. The ding of the clock sounded and he reluctantly pulled away, knowing they'd have to leave soon in order to get to Bay Ridge in time. He meant it, though; it didn't matter how tonight went, it was he and Eddie forever and no one was getting between that, especially not his family.

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_**(beginning of M rating)  
** _

After shooing Eddie off to go get ready for bed, he made sure everything he'd planned was ready: pre-pouring the milk and putting it back in the fridge, pulling out a fork and placing it on the counter, and cutting out a slice of chocolate cake and putting it in the oven to keep warm, then picking up the bottle of olive oil and took it with him to the bedroom. He'd tried to think of everything he could do to help her relax. He knew she trusted him - inexplicably so - but her last experience had been horrible, to say the least, and he didn't want to frighten her. It had been quite a few years; for the both of them. Tonight was their honeymoon, their first night together, their first night in the same bed - he wanted to make it special for her. Which is why he'd spent half and hour this morning wondering whether or not to buy new, softer sheets. In the end he decided against it, since they would be getting rid of both of the twin beds to get a full-sized one soon.

He opened the bottle of oil and poured a cupful/generous amount into a glass, putting it atop a candle warmer on the nightstand. Then he grabbed two towels he'd bought earlier (the softest he could find) and unfolded them on the bed, lit aroma candles and waited. When she came out of the bathroom her eyes flitted about the dimly lit room, and he could feel the nervousness that came over her, the anxiety. He slowly made his way to her and gently rubbed up and down her arms. ''Just me. Ok?'' He waited until she gave him a small nod, then took her in his arms and lead her in a slow dance, rocking back and forth and humming a tune until she relaxed.

The pads of his fingers ran up and down her back a few times before tracing the tie around her robe and finding the knot. Fingertips reverently following the trail of her collar bone, pushing the garment off her shoulders and letting it fall to the floor giving small pecks to her neck as he turned her around. ''Lay on your stomach.'' She climbed on the bed, hesitantly still but without any indication that he should stop. He sat beside her on his knees and brushed her hair to the side, picking up the cup of oil and showing it to her. ''Olive oil. I'm gonna pour some on your back, alright.'' Again, he waited for her nod and then poured a line down her back, across her shoulders, up her arms and a drop on her neck. He blew on nervous hands to warm them up and began massaging the oil into her skin, starting with her neck, then her arms, shoulders and back. He poured more oil into his hands and rubbed them together, and brought them back down. She flinched, feeling his hands on her backside and he was quick to soothe. ''Shh, just relax.'' He continued the deep circular motions until he felt the tension leave her, then moved down to the backs of her thighs, her calves. He smiled to himself when he started on her feet and she let out a pleasing groan, and if he spent a little longer than intended on her arches, well it's not like they had anywhere to be or the oil would get cold, there wasn't any reason to rush tonight. When he sensed she was about to enter a light doze, he wiggled her pinky toe. ''Roll back over.'' He wasn't expecting her to do so immediately - she didn't - but he didn't feel as much trepidation coming off her as he did before. He added more oil to his hands and worked his way back up, from the tops of her feet, to her legs, the sides of her hips and up her arms. He traced light circles over her face and added a little more pressure for her jawline. He took a deep, silent breath, knowing what he was about to do next would probably jolt her out of her relaxed state, but softened his touch and traced his fingers over her neck. Her eyes flared open, the pupils blown and wild. He lowered his forehead to hers, and whispered reassuringly. ''Jamie. It's Jamie. It's just me, it's ok.'' He felt her gulp under his fingertips but continued waiting until she calmed. He continued the massage over her chest and her belly where a slight giggle escaped her as she squirmed, before he moved his hand lower, and lower, covering her gasp within his mouth.

''Just relax here for a minute. I'll be right back.'' He covered her with one of the towels to keep her warm and went to the bathroom, filling up the tub with hot water and scented bubbles, knowing she loved the foamy fluff as much as their daughter did. He went back to her and gathered her in his arms. He teasingly tipped her forward to let her test the water with a toe before lowering her in. ''One more time,'' he said as he stood, ''then I won't leave you for the rest of the night; promise.'' He quickly made his way to the kitchen and opened the oven where he'd kept a piece of chocolate cake on the warm setting and pulled it out, grabbed a fork and then the glass of milk from the refrigerator, and went back. She smiled at him when she saw what he was holding and turned on her side in the water. He fed her bits of cake from his position beside her on the floor, giving her sweet kisses after each forkful. After the bath, he dried her off and carried her back to the bed, tucking her in carefully before going around to the other side, removing his shirt and sleep pants and climbing in. In his twin bed, there wasn't much space to be had but he gave her as much as he could, his body on the edge as they both lay on their sides. He moved his face closer and nuzzled her cheek.

''Jamie,'' she whispered in his ear, and he could feel her wring her feet together under the sheets. ''I think I'm ready.''

He slid closer to her and took her in his arms, molding himself to her.

**_(end of M rating)_ **

~~~~~

Jamie lied in bed, aligned against Eddie's back, basking in the lazy morning, the sun just starting to peek through the window when she stirred. He breathed a kiss into her neck, murmuring a good morning, and moving his hand up to cup her breast, thumb idly grazing back and forth. He huffed a soft laugh.

Eddie, thinking he was laughing at her, tried to pull the blanket up to cover herself.

''No. Not that, never that,'' Jamie said, gently pushing her hand away. ''I was just thinking ... it doesn't feel like it was all that long ago when you were nursing.'' His voice carried a far off tone to it as he continued. ''She was so small. Smaller than Jack, Sean and Nicki was when they were born ... still is.'' He continued his movements, gentle fingers tracing patterns hoping the touch was soothing and calming. ''Have you ever thought about having more?'' He paused, not intending to ask the question aloud - at least, not for a while yet - but the words had already been spoken and couldn't be took back, especially if the way she tensed up was any indication. He lifted himself up onto his elbow to look down into her wide eyes. ''I don't mean right now, just ... ever?''

A shrug followed a moment of hesitation. ''I don't know. I never really thought about. Even before ...''

''It's up to you, Eddie,'' he leaned down to kiss her shoulder. ''I'm fine with it either way. Chladaigh ... she's perfect. Absolutely perfect. Just like her mom.'' He really was ok with it, he thought as he lay back down and pulled her against him. He had Eddie, and that was all he never knew he wanted, and Chladaigh was the best cherry-on-top that he could ask for.

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''Hey,'' Jamie said, stopping short and pulling Eddie back by the hand. He shifted Chladaigh higher on his back. ''Why don't we stop in here real quick? Take a look around.''

Eddie looked up at the storefront sign. ''Maybe later,'' she said, starting again for the park.

Jamie got a nervous feeling in the pit of his stomach. Was Eddie having doubts about them? Did he go too far too fast? Why didn't she want to look for a new bed? He obeyed her tug on his hand, however, and followed silently along, waiting to talk about it when their daughter wasn't around.

~~~~~

Jamie sat on the edge of the bed, fiddling with the tie on his sleep pants, waiting for Eddie to finish getting ready for bed. She came into the room, automatically shutting off the light knowing that his bedside lamp would be on, and paused when she saw him waiting on her. He stood and pushed his hands deep in his pockets.

''Before you say anything, just - hear me out?'' she asked.

Jamie shrugged. ''That was kind of the plan,'' he said on a laughing huff of air.

She sat down on the bed, immediately getting back up and going around to her side and sliding beneath the sheets.

Jamie paused before climbing in with her. He turned off the lamp and turned onto his side, keeping his arms open and letting out a relieved sigh when she scooted into them.

''I don't want a new bed.''

He smiled into her hair. ''Yeah, I got that part.''

''It's just ...'' Her fingers came up, stroking the skin of his chest above his shirt as she tried to figure out what to say. ''I like being close to you. Sleeping next to you. Getting a bigger bed - while it would mean more room ...''

''It would mean we'd have room to sleep without being so close to one another,'' he finished for her, the tension leaving his body and he pulled her closer to him.

''It's also ... our bed,'' she said softly.

''Oh,'' he said, understanding now and regretting that he didn't get new sheets. ''You know that we'll have to get a new bed in about two years time anyway, right?'' he said, thinking of the eight-year rule on mattresses.

''I know. Just not now.''

''Do we just ... leave yours there or -''

''We could go ahead and give it to Chladaigh; she'll need a bigger bed soon.''

Jamie nuzzled closer to her, glad that it wouldn't be there for a I'm-mad-at-you-sleep-somewhere-else option. ''That sounds like a plan. Tomorrow, though. I'm too comfortable right now,'' he said, clamping his feet over her two chilled ones.

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''Cladaigh is in bed, Joe's done his business - and met a very frisky French poodle that he seemed quite fond of - and here, ma'dam is your tea.'' Jamie held out the hot mug of liquid to Eddie and sat down beside her. He waited until she'd take her first deep gulp before pulling her in close to his side, kissing the side of her head. ''We may still be able to catch that musical you wanted to watch on TV - the ending of it at least.''

''Hmmm. Nah,'' she said, bringing her knees up to curl closer to him. ''Read to me?''

''Which one? We have about three going right now.''

''The Shakespeare one.''

''The Twelfth Night?''

''Yeah.''

Jamie, not wanting to move to get the book, leaned his head back and closed his eyes, reciting from memory, ''Act 3, Scene 2; 'No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.' 'Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.' 'You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.'''

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''Jamie?'' Eddie said, hanging back at the door when she saw all the fancily dressed people dancing about. ''What are we doing here? You said we were going out for dinner - not clubbing.''

Jamie nodded, turning to stand in front of her. ''Yeah. Tables are over there. We order, a waiter brings us our food - dinner. No cooking or fast food on our part.'' He smiled, ''and this isn't your bounce up and down nightclub, Eddie. This is ... a place where I can hold you in my arms, love you, rock with you, and have everyone know you're mine. To show you off a little.''

''Yeah, well, I would've appreciated a heads up,'' she said, nervously looking around. ''I'm kinda underdressed here.'' She ran her hands down her front in an effort to smooth out any wrinkles in the simple summer dress she'd thrown on when Jamie surprised her with a 'date night'. She cringed, now remembering that this was the dress she couldn't get that small ketchup stain out of after Chladaigh dripped it on her while eating a hot dog at the park - three years ago - and the fact that she didn't put on much makeup. She fished around in her purse to see if she at least had a tube of lipstick.

Jamie chuckled, taking her hands in his and pulling her into him, eyes flitting back and forth across her face lovingly. ''You look perfect, Eddie. Just perfect,'' he said, stealing a quick kiss before leading them to the maitre d' stand.

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Jamie knocked on the open door of his daughter's room. ''Hey, 'Cushla. How're you feeling?''

''Ok,'' she muttered, curled on her bed, her childhood best friend bunny clutched to her chest.

Jamie walked over to her bed and sat down with a sigh, placing a hot water bottle on her stomach. ''Eddie told me you didn't want to go to the Renzulli's for your sleepover.'' He was met with silence. ''Chladaigh, I know it seems like a big deal, but it's not. It's not like you can hide it from everybody, either; Nicholas is old enough to know what a period is and he's a smart kid - even if you don't tell him, he'd figure it out eventually.''

''It's weird now, though.''

''It's only weird if you make it weird.''

''It stinks,'' she said, scooting back up against the headboard and wrapping her arms around her knees.

''I agree.''

''No, it's like I can smell it. Even after I shower, it's like -''

''You're the only one who can smell your period - promise. I can't smell your mom's. The only reason I can tell when she's having hers is because I look for the signs: discarded pads in the trash, her bringing a hot water bottle to bed - missing chocolate or more chocolate than usual in the cabinet.'' That garnered a slight smile from her, and he continued on. ''Just take some pads with you, go over for your sleepover and have fun. It get less awkward in time.''

Chladaigh shook her head, ''but I've read about it in magazines. They say -''

''They say what they think, and that has no reflection or bearing on what you know: that Nicholas is your best friend and he's been there for you through thick and thin. Remember when we thought your cancer was coming out of remission?'' he choked. ''Even though hospitals make him squeamish, he went to every appointment with you just to hold your hand. If this really is a big a deal as you're making it out to be, I have no doubt he'll hold your hand through it, too.''

''Thanks, Dad.''

  
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Jamie sighed deeply as he held his wife close to him, running his fingers through her hair. Shutting the book he was reading to her, he placed it on the end table and clicked off the lamp. After tucking in their daughter, now fifteen, and their one-and-a-half year old son, David, they sat cuddling on the couch together, winding down after a long day. Now, as he moved his free hand to her protruding belly and rubbed softly, he murmured, ''Time for bed, hmm?''

Eddie groaned. ''I don't want to move,'' she said, snuggling deeper into his side.

He gave a low chuckle. ''Comfy?''

''Mmm-hmm.''

He turned his head and pressed his lips to the top of her head. ''Come on. My girls will feel a lot more comfortable in a bed. Won't you, sweetheart,'' he said to Eddie's belly. ''Bedtime means actually going to a bed.''

''I think Whimsical is just as content as I am right now,'' Eddie smiled, running her hand over the nape of her husband's neck and playing with the short hair there as he talked with their unborn daughter.

''I suppose it's up to me, then,'' he said, feigning exasperation as he wrapped one hand behind her back and the other under her knees, lifting her with him as he made his way to their bedroom.

''Jamie,'' she admonished, giggling quietly, not wanting to wake the kids.

When they made it to their room, he deposited her on the bed and went about getting out their night clothes - well, his night clothes; at seven-months, Eddie had forgone the maternity wear in favor of his sweatshirt and track pants.

''Hey, Jamie?''

''Yeah?''

''As much as I hate the thought ...''

''Yes?'' he drew out slowly, furrowing a brow at her humorously and causing her to smile at him.

''I was wondering if we should start looking for a house? Or at least a bigger apartment.'' She set about stating her case. ''I mean, I know Chladaigh will probably be leaving in just a few years time, but for at least the next three or four years we'll have three kids, and putting them all in one room -''

''I see what you're saying,'' he stopped her. Chladaigh was already sharing a room with David, and when Whimsical came along, that'd be three kids in one room, and while that wasn't something that usually worked out - experience with his own family taught him that - his eldest didn't seem to mind sharing the room with her (soon to be two) siblings. Who knew; maybe it would create a closeness with them that he didn't seem to have with either of his siblings. Logic-wise, moving made sense ... but he could see the hesitance in Eddie's eyes and, looking deeper, he could tell it wasn't something she was really wanting to do. If he was being honest, he didn't want to either; these walls held a lot of memories. Especially the guest bedroom; the apartment itself hadn't changed much over the years, but that one room since Eddie moved in was always changing. From how it looked when he was living here by himself, to making it comfortable for Eddie, to turning it into a nursery, to painting it two different colors as Chladaigh's taste grew and changed, to redecorating half of it to a nursery, to now -. ''I have an idea.''

''What?'' she said, a ray of hope in her eyes that they wouldn't have to go anywhere else; that they wouldn't have to move.

He sat down on the edge of the bed, his arm crossing over her knees to prop himself up on the bed as he leaned over. ''What if we switched rooms? Give the kids the master bedroom, and we take the smaller one,'' he clarified. ''Move Chladaigh into the room on one side. On the other, we can get a bunk bed - with rails,'' he got out before she could bring question to either of her babies being that high up. ''Instead of pulling out the crib again, but put this little one in the bottom bunk and block her in with pillows ... or stuffed animals,'' he said, thinking of a toddler-sized plush tiger he'd seen in a store front the other day.

Eddie was quiet as she thought it over, a smile forming over her face. ''We'll have to talk it over with Chladaigh, though,'' she said. She didn't want to move, but she didn't want her daughter having to share a space with two children under five if she didn't want to. On the other hand, keeping her in a room with two children under five could be a way of ensuring abstinence. She kept that thought to herself - sometimes Jamie was reluctant to admit that their daughter was growing up.

''Naturally,'' he said. ''Now, pajamas. Are you going to put them on yourself or do you want hel-'' he grunted as Eddie hit him with a pillow. ''I was just trying to be helpful,'' he said innocently, laughing.

''You were trying to suggest something,'' she said, taking her (his) clothes from him and scooting off the bed, heading to the bathroom to get ready for bed.

  
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''Well someone's looking a little more beautiful than usual,'' Jamie said as he walked into the kitchen, a bag of groceries in hand.

''Thanks,'' Chladaigh said as she quickly tied her shoes and got up to find her jacket. ''Mom said I could go to the movies tonight.''

''Oh?''

''Yeah,'' she said, pulling her hair out from the collar of her coat and rounded the counter to give a quick peck on the cheek goodbye. She grabbed her small purse and ducked under it, adjusting the strap crossing her chest, and called out over her shoulder as she opened the door, ''It's a date.''

Jamie stood frozen in place, the click of the door sounding louder than usual and the place on his cheek where she'd kissed him began to sting and he opened and closed his mouth wordlessly. By the time he was finally able to move, he figured she'd already have made it downstairs so he ran to the window. He saw the back of a teenage boy, holding open the door of a cab as his little girl slid in and following right behind her. The cab drove off and Jamie stumbled back, hands sliding off the window to hang from slumped shoulders. He looked around the apartment, lost, until his eyes landed on a photo of him and Chladaigh at the state fair when she was still a little girl. He grabbed the frame and pressed it against his chest as he made his way to the couch and fell down onto it.

~~~~~

''You had to know this day was coming, Jamie,'' Eddie said later that night, after a bright eyed and pink-tinged cheek Chladaigh came back from the movies. ''She's growing up, it's not like we can keep her in a locker tower forever or something.''

''We could try,'' he said. ''There's still some castles around - or I could build a tower, right on the roof and -''

''Jamie.'' At his sigh, she flipped the covers back and waited for him to join her before turning out the lights and curling in next to him.

''That used to be me, you know,'' he whispered. ''Take her to the movies, hit an ice cream shop on the way back ... I used to be the one who can make her smile like that.''

''You still are.''

''No, I'm not. I come in second now.'' He rolled over onto his side and wrapped her arms tighter around her. ''It's not that I mind second place, really - I think. I just need to know that whoever takes over first place is treating her like gold.''

''He will.''

''How do you know.''

She raised her head up off the pillow to look at him. ''You know who she went of the date with, right?'' she asked.

''No. I didn't see his face. Why?''

She laid back down, a gentle smile on her face. ''I don't think you need to worry.'' Giving him a sweet kiss, she said goodnight and closed her eyes.

  
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Jamie stood in a dimly lit hall, pacing in front of the door that hid his eldest daughter from view. She wasn't going to be wearing the traditional white dress, but she still wanted it to be a surprise. He smirked; she'd forgone a lot of the wedding traditions, including him walking her down the aisle. He understood; she, like her mother, wasn't exactly a patient person and while the attendance of witnesses may be small it was still too long an aisle for her to bother with; she'd go straight from the antechamber she was getting ready in to the alter. To be honest, though, he didn't think he could give her away if he tried. She did, however, promise to make it up to him by dancing with him at least five times. He'd readily agreed, of course - the walk down the aisle wouldn't be as time consuming in reality and the father-daughter dance only lasts for a little over three minutes. With five dances, and more if he could wiggle them out of her, he could hold her a little bit longer and pretend she was still his and no one else's.

He glanced down at the gold band he was nervously twisting on his own finger. His Eddie. They'd been together for so long that it was difficult to pin down when exactly their feelings for each other had grown and changed to the union it was now. He smiled. A twelve-year-old Chladaigh had just been the flower girl then, and she'd hadn't the patience then either to walk slowly down the aisle - she'd ran, straight into his arms. Now ...

''Daddy?''

He startled, hearing his daughter's voice coming from behind the closed door. He twisted the knob, and focused on carefully shutting the door behind him, delaying the inevitable. Finally, he took a deep, steeling breath and looked up - and choked. There, in the middle of the room stood his grownup little girl, fitted into the same simple, light blue, ankle-length dress her mother had worn on the day they'd eloped. The resemblance took his breath away. ''You look beautiful, 'Cushla,'' he managed.

She gave him a watery smile and went over to him, wrapping her arms around him tightly. ''Don't make me cry - it'll ruin my makeup.''

''You'd still look beautiful,'' he whispered, pulling back to stroke her cheek gently. ''It's not too late, you know. You're eighteen, you don't have to get married today. There's still time to take you away and hide you in some tower and - a big dragon to guard you, and -''

''Daddy,'' she admonished in a soft voice.

He smiled, though he had the feeling that the tears in his eyes and voice betrayed him. ''I had to try.''

''Dad, this thing between Nicholas and I - it's been there forever. I don't want to wait any longer. You understand.''

''Yeah. No, I know.''

''I've known Nicholas his whole life, so have you. Could you honestly say there's any better man to marry?''

Jamie, so desperately wanting to tell her no one was good enough - and never would be - was saved from answering by a light tapping on the door. He cleared his throat. ''Come in.''

''Hey,'' Eddie said, stepping inside. ''It's time.''

Chladaigh went to mother, giving her a tight hug and a meaningful glance to her father. Eddie nodded at her, silently telling her she'd take care of Jamie before shooing her out the door.

Jamie heard the door click and sighed heavily, his shoulders drooping down, head hung low.

Eddie came up behind him, wrapping her hands around his arm. ''We talked about this, you know. When you had her sign that document when she was little.''

He gave her a side smile, thinking of the construction paper he'd folded down and kept in his wallet for all these years. ''I know.''

''She's not a little girl anymore.''

''I know that, too.''

''You're still one of the most important men in her life.''

''Not the only one, though. Not like I was.''

Eddie gave him a sad smile and kissed his shoulder. ''Come on, let's go get our seat; someone's got to make sure I'm not a blubbering mess before this even begins.''

''Only if you promise to do the same for me.''

She paused them both in the doorway. ''Save one of those dances for me, ok?''

He leaned down and bumped her nose with his. ''Always.''

 

_**THE END** _

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, just a couple of notes:  
> 1) Usually, I think of their first child being a boy, but for some reason a girl was on my mind for this fic and I spent forever agonizing over a name. My first thought was giving her a Serbian name, but after searching I couldn't find one I really liked. Ok, so I did find one, but it was already being used in another story, and using the variants of the name didn't feel right to me. So I switched my thinking to Irish, since Jamie would be helping raise the baby, and while I did find a few ones I liked they didn't seem to fit for some reason. Then I had the thought 'what about naming her after the Claddaugh ring'? Of course, the ring itself is a representation of friendship, love and loyalty - the very name of the episode in which Jamie got his head together about his relationship with Eddie - so it seemed perfect. Then at that same moment I had the thought of 'what about a female version of the name David', after 12-David? Figures right; you spend forever thinking over one name and then two come at you at once so you're still trying to figure out which one to use. So, I got back on the internet and searched for the female equivalent of the name and found two. Now, after spending days thinking for one name, I have three - well, four actually. Arrghh! The names are as follows:
> 
> Claddaugh - after the Claddaugh ring  
> Chladaigh - the Irish form of Claddaugh  
> Davina - female variant of David  
> Daveigh - female variant of David
> 
> Eventually, I just decided to use both names, for a first and middle - I just had to choose between the two versions. I actually liked Davina better as a name, but Daveigh sounded better with the Irish form of Claddaugh. So the name became Chladaigh Daveigh Janko. At least I knew what the last name was going to be.
> 
> 2) To my knowledge, Renzulli does have a wife named Marie, but I don't think it ever stated whether he had children or not. When I decided that I would give him a kid in this, I groaned to myself thinking I would have to come up with another name - this time Italian - when it hit me: just use his real-life name. Nicholas. Ahh, that was so relieving.
> 
> 3) I first heard the term 'acushla' in Sherlock Holmes- the Valley of Fear, and have loved it ever since. According to merriam-webster.com: 'Acushla comes from the Irish Gaelic cuisle, which can mean ''darling'' but more litterally means ''pulse'' or ''vein''. It's an adaptation of the Irish Gaelic a cuisle (''oh darling''). Cuisle was sometimes also paired with ma to give us macushla (''my darling'').'
> 
> 4) What Jamie says about the dog, Joe, was inspired by something Will Estes actually said about his dog. Quote: ''You know how most dogs lick you on the cheek? If you're sleeping and not ready for it, my dog, Joe, will get his tongue inside your mouth. It's by far the worst kiss I've ever had.''  
>  (image location: https://izquotes.com/quotes-pictures/quote-you-know-how-most-dogs-lick-you-on-the-cheek-if-you-re-sleeping-and-not-ready-for-it-my-dog-joe-will-estes-58969.jpg )
> 
> 5) Remember the part where the family was saying happy birthday and Erin was blowing the party horn? Well, originally, I put bazoo - because I thought that was what they were called. Wanting to check myself and make sure, I looked it up ... and I'm glad I did. Apparently, the definition of bazoo is: 1) a person's mouth, or 2) a person's buttocks or anus. Yeah ... turns out the word I was looking for was 'kazoo'. So to make sure there was no confusion, I just went with party horn.
> 
> 6) The argument, or the confrontation, sounds awful, I know. I went through it a hundred times in my head but when it came time to actually write it down, nothing sounded right. (move to top?)
> 
> 7) 'The Boxcar Children' and 'The Tweleth Night' are actual books and I take no credit for them. The quote from the Twelfth Night that I use was the beginning of Act 3 Scene 2 - or in other words, Chapter 12. I know, I use the number 12 a lot.
> 
> 8) Timeline:  
>  Chladaigh born  
>  (five years later) Reagans find out about Chladaigh  
>  (five years later) Jamie and Eddie date  
>  (two years later) Jamie and Eddie marry  
>  (two years later) David is born  
>  (two years later) Whimsical is born  
>  (two years later) Chladaigh marries
> 
> Chapter 2 A/N:  
> (9) Renzulli is probably more higher ranking than sergeant now, but it's something jamie has always called him. to Jamie, he'll always be sarge. I know I messed up on Chladaigh's age through this - making it seem like she was younger than she was (I have J&E start dating when she's 10) but let's just call it creative license.


End file.
